


Fun in Westeros

by WinterIsComing (CrystalNavy)



Series: A Song of Ice and Crack [3]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships, Dark Comedy, Gallows Humor, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:46:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22606465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalNavy/pseuds/WinterIsComing
Summary: A collection of crack/parody scenarios/situations and funny what-ifs, WinterIsComingStyle
Series: A Song of Ice and Crack [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610893
Kudos: 3





	1. Of Annoying Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walder Frey has to deal with some annoying ghosts of the people that died because of his revenge.

BOOM-DOOM-BOOM-DOOM.

No matter what Walder Frey did, he could still hear the music, which meant he couldn't sleep.

"Would you stop that annoying racket?" he demanded "I am trying to sleep!"

The many ghosts in the room glanced at him, then shrugged.

"You are?" one of the bolder ones said "Well, we tried too. We tried to appease you. We gave you a lucrative match you wouldn't have had otherwise. And yet for some reason, you decided that it wasn't enough and slaughtered us. All of us."

"Yeah." another added "And after all of that, you have the gall to demand something of us. That's not how it works, Frey."

"Then what do you want?" Walder Frey asked "Whatever you want, I can give to you."

"Can you?" the first ghost asked rhetorically "Can you resurrect our King and his family that you've slaughtered? Can you give us back everything that we've lost thanks to you?"

Walder had nothing to say, so he just opened and closed his mouth several times.

"Your silence is enough of an answer for me." the ghost said "Hence, we've decided that this will be your punishment for the Red Wedding. You'll have to deal with us for the rest of your natural life. This includes enduring whatever strikes our fancy. Without complaining. Now go back to trying to sleep. If you can."

Walder Frey turned around and covered his ears while the drums resumed playing. He quickly realized that falling asleep wasn't possible at this stage.

He could already tell that the rest of his days would be miserable. 

Very miserable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is inspired by my own annoyance when someone interrupts my naptime. I kinda feel sorry for Walder Frey in that regard, but I also hate him for orchestrating RW and this is the worst punishment I can think of for him.


	2. Pies for Sale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arya bakes the best pies in Westeros. Honest.

"How about this one?" Arya Stark asked

She presented one of the pies to the latest buyer. It was round, hot and perfectly palatable.

"Go on, take a bite." Arya encouraged with a soft smile

The buyer did, and the meat inside was scrumptious.

"How much does it cost?" the buyer asked

"Three silver stags apiece." Arya said 

The buyer handed her the coins and then they were on their way.

Arya waited, and soon enough, a scream was heard from the outside.

"What was that scream?" Hot Pie asked, stepping out of the kitchen with some flour on his apron

"I think....." Arya grinned wolfishly "That they just found out what our 'secret ingredient' is.

She stepped into the kitchen and looked at the dry husks of meat hanging from the hooks. Husks of meat that were once human.

The workers, most of whom were Manderlys, were cutting off meat from the husks and putting it into the pie.

"How is it going?" Arya inquired

"Good. Very good." Wylla Manderly, Arya's chief cook and baker, grinned "These Frey pies of ours are a huge hit! Cutting the meat is somewhat difficult, though."

"Indeed." Hot Pie agreed "Though I wish that our buyers wouldn't be so disgusted when they tried them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^_^


	3. Blue Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue eyes held power over Roose.....until they didn't.

It was just a routine invitation, and as a loyal vassal, Roose had no choice but to accept. Lord Ned was his liege, after all. So he rode out, alone, to Winterfell. 

When he arrived, the servants took his horse to the stable, and he was led to the great hall, where his Lord and Lady awaited. But they weren't the only ones at the table. A young boy with flowing red hair and deep blue eyes was seated in one of the chairs. Just looking at him filled Roose with an emotion he didn't feel in a long time. Alien. Unnatural. That's what his brain told him. But not what every other part of his body told him. A contradiction.

"This is my son, Robb." Lord Eddard introduced "He will be celebrating his eighth nameday soon, and we've invited every bannerman of ours for this event."

Roose nodded, politely, but inside he was conflicted. There was only one solution. He had to get rid of the cause of this conflict, this contradiction, which was warring inside of him. And so he began stalking the boy, waiting for an opportunity. But each time he thought he had it, those blue, blue eyes would turn to him, and he couldn't bring himself. He couldn't bring himself to extinguish the light in those eyes. And he hated himself for this weakness.

He forced himself to smile during the celebration, and watched as the boy was given gifts by his immediate family. As soon as it was over, however, he told everyone he had urgent business back home and that he needed to attend to it, before leaving.

Yet he couldn't get the boy out of his head.

-x-

The next time he had seen Robb Stark was seven years later. He was a man now, a man of fifteen, and he had summoned Roose to be a part of his army. Initially, Roose was reluctant, but one look from Robb was enough to sway him. Those blue eyes of his seemed to hold power over Roose, in the way that nothing and no one else did.

So he rode out as part of Robb's army. He added his voice to those that proclaimed Robb King in the North. He advised Robb to the best of his ability. He stood aside when the negotiations with Freys took place, knowing that Robb won't love her. Not truly.

And then Robb met a girl from a small family. Jeyne Westerling, she was called. She was small. Gentle and kind. A perfect wife. And Robb felt the same too, for he fell in love with her and married her.

That was when Roose's turned away from Robb and his cause. His brain said it was because Robb was losing. Because he didn't marry a Frey girl. Because he didn't want to stay aboard a sinking ship. 

But the truth was different.

He watched as Robb begged the Freys, desperately wanting to fix his mistake, to make amends. Watched as he gave them a bridegroom far above their station. 

And he wanted to scream. Wanted to tell Robb how he was hurt by his decisions too, how he should beg him for forgiveness as well. 

Blue eyes looked at him. But this time, he wouldn't be swayed. He refused to be swayed. Not when Robb had hurt him in such a manner.

-x-

"He hurt you, didn't he?" Walder Frey chuckled "He hurt you more than he hurt us. He broke your heart."

"It is true." Roose Bolton nodded "I know it now. I loved him, but he didn't care. He didn't know how much power he held over me. I had to watch him marry Jeyne Westerling, and he didn't see it. Either that or he did and didn't care."

"You're honest with yourself." Walder Frey stood up "Many men lack that kind of honesty. Very well. He broke your heart, and for that, I shall let you be the one to kill him."

"I....." Roose Bolton paused "He has that power over me."

"But he broke your heart." Walder Frey repeated "That alone should be enough to break whatever power he holds over you."

"You're right." Roose Bolton clenched his fists "By the Gods, you're right."

-x-

Blue eyes slowly looked up as he approached. Already the light in them was dimming.

But for the first time, Roose was unmoved. His eyes bore into Robb's own. The last dance. The battle of wills.

Robb was the first to look away, down at the floor. 

"You broke my heart and stomped on it." Roose thought "You had a chance and threw it away. We could have ruled the North together, you and I, as equals. You could have had everything, but you gave it all up. You gave me up, and for a girl from a minor house at that. You deserve this."

He unsheathed a sword. It was thin, but strong. He stared at it for a few seconds, admiring it.

Then he laid a hand onto Robb's shoulder, pulling the younger man closer.

"Relax." he thought "Relax and let go. The sweet taste of revenge."

He heard Robb whimper as the sword pierced his flesh. Blood seeped from the wound like a fragile red flower. Robb sagged, and Roose's hand on his shoulder was the only thing keeping him from falling down. Roose wiped a tear falling down Robb's cheek with his thumb, almost on instinct.

And then it was over.

The blue eyes which held such sway over him had closed forever.


End file.
